Let's Prepare Room

As we prepare for the holiday season ahead I’ve spent a lot of time contemplating the notion of coming together ‘well’ with others.

It’s no secret 2020 has not been the year anyone envisioned, and if your lived experience is anything like mine, it’s been splattered with emotion and physical family separation, and for some of us this Christmas is the first time we will have physically been present with one another all year.

We have all heard many negative comments about the year of 2020, particularly as we have pushed and trudged through some difficult months, maybe we are even the ones who have spoken them. There is a sense of exhaustion, a presence of done-ness in the air. Many of us are tired, and many more are ready to forget all that this year was.

There’s a desire for selected amnesia, to forget the hard, the turmoil, the loneliness or even the undesirable parts of ourselves that were exposed during lockdown.

In my extended family alone this Christmas we will be combining together the lived COVID experience of 10 different adults, across 3 different states, 5 different households. There has been a mix of experiences; financial, physical, emotional and spiritual. Many of us were separated from one another by enforced border closures. Others were under intense lockdown measures with strong restrictions on their comings and goings. We had extended exposures to hospital systems and medical care, impacted occupations and many, many missed opportunities for significant celebrations and fellowships.

And I’m sure we are not alone.

For most of us, this Christmas is a likely drawing together of individuals who have vastly different physical, financial, spiritual and emotional experiences of the pandemic of 2020.

Meaning this year, perhaps more than ever, we are drawing together families and friends who have such an incredible opportunity to meet one another in their experiences and extend compassion and love in ways we may never have been able to before. BUT, there is also such a risky chance of missing each other, in the sense of truly seeing one another, and making room for conflict instead of compassion, opposition instead of connectedness.

The reality is, none of us are immune to conflict. The initial conflict ensured this (Genesis 3). It has reverberated ever since, as we read page and page of scripture exposing selfish desires, inordinate needs, blatant idolatry. We see it come into play in our own relationships; harsh words to others, misaligned intentions; poorly handled disagreements; and ugly, sometimes intentional, sins.

Our heart at Restore Ministries is to equip you to map the grace of God onto the details of life. So the question here is: how do we join together with family and friends this year, and bring forward love, not push into unnecessary conflict?

As we seek to come together well, and love one another well in our times of reuniting, there are three things I would like you to keep in mind, to prepare room for the hearts and experiences of those around you.

Let’s: be listeners.  

During my university study, there was one phrase I was taught (from a textbook no less) which has firmly stuck with me since: binan goonj. It’s a phrase from an Australian Indigenous dialect, which can be paraphrased as “you hear but you do not listen”.  And though we may wish it wasn’t so, we can’t deny that this is something that, unfortunately, our culture is quite well-versed in. We’re quick with a come back. Our mind circles with responses or stories to one-up the one being told to us before the words being spoken are even done.

As we prepare to connect with loved ones we need to ask: where do I need to listen instead of hear? It’s a simple answer.

To God and those around us.

James 1:19 gives very clear instruction on the importance of listening well.[1] In fact, he couples this with the importance of not only listening, but being slow to speak, and slow to anger (something that can easily abound in a heated conflict situation). The wisdom of James can be applied to both our relationship with others, and our relationship with God, particularly as he progresses to speak of the importance of not only hearing God’s word, but being an active doer of His word. (James 1:22)

So, as we seek to meet together this Christmas, let us be inclined to listen, not just hear.

Let us keep in the forefront of our minds that even if our physically lived experiences of COVID-19 are the same as those we’re gathering with, our emotional and spiritual experiences are likely not.

Turn a gracious ear towards your family, the stories they share, the glimmers of something deeper they expose. Ask thoughtful questions, but seek to know the person and the struggle, not just the information and highlight real.

If we find ourselves in the face of conflict, let’s ensure we are listening well not only to what is said, but to the word and direction of God, and let us pray unceasingly (1 Thessalonians 5:17) in the face of opposition and differences. Let’s ask ourselves: how can we intentionally simplify the situation so there is space for hearts to be heard?*

*read: listened to.

Let’s: check our own hearts.

It is clear in James 4 that our desires and our passions rival for centre stage above all else, leading to misaligned hearts and in turn, conflicts and quarrels. We also know very well from the teachings of Jesus in the Gospels that we are called to inspect ourselves, the log in our own eye, before hypocritically calling out our brother (Luke 6:41-42).

So, let us start this time gathering with family remembering that humility is a necessary ingredient of self-reflection. It is the removal of pride, integral for a clear vision of ourselves.

Before we begin our road-trip home, or step foot through the door for Christmas lunch, let’s start with the putting on of humility – and some of that compassion and kindness wouldn’t go astray either 😉 –  let’s spend some time with God seeking clarification on what is residing within our hearts, and be willing (and humble) to have a repentant response. (Colossians 3:12; Matthew 15:18).

Let’s: speak thoughtfully.

I’ve undeniably been caught up in the Hamilton craze. But of all of the show, there is one line I find constantly reverberating in my mind. This particular number revolves around Alexander Hamilton himself, as he performs boastful lines of self-importance and prideful intelligence, and then, in the midst of it all, there is this from his opposition:

“Every proclamation guarantees free ammunition for your enemies.”

I find this particularly striking, as we prepare for the time with family ahead, because it screams of the importance of wisdom, particularly within our words and interactions. It is, of course, important to speak truth, but what we can see from Hamilton is that there is great risk and foolishness that comes from spouting boastful, self-important commentary which excludes wisdom, thoughtfulness or the awareness of others.

We can see such a correlation with Proverbs 18:2, where we are warned about the foolishness of allowing the importance of speaking opinion to outweigh all else. I feel this is particularly pertinent as we think of our COVID-19 experiences. It’s highly unlikely we are all completely aligned on our opinions of restrictions, lockdowns and Government decision making, so to enter our times of gathering with intentional thoughtfulness will be helpful.

If we don’t agree does that mean we don’t have these conversations?

Not necessarily.

But let’s attempt to keep a posture akin to Ephesians 4:2-3 as we decide whether or not to interject Uncle Jim’s politically fueled rant as he serves the wombok salad – and, if we do, let’s be gracious, appropriate and gospel-focused in our response. (Colossians 4:6)

“Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels.” (2 Timothy 2:23)

So, as we close out 2020 with loved ones where necessary, expose mistruth and have hard conversations that will healthily address conflicts and heal relationships; but, as we gather let’s –

Be humble.

Be timely.

Be gracious.

Be kind.

And let’s prepare room for healthy relationships, recognising the treasure it is to each other face to face and heart to heart and endeavour to truly see one another.

[1] Whilst the words hearing and listening are both used across different translations, we know that James is calling us to listen – that is, to pay attention to what is said.

NOTE: There is so much we can write about conflict, the differing types and experiences and how we could and should respond. That is not this blog. This article endeavours to look at how we can come together well as family and community units after COVID-19, with the intention of seeking relationships, not conflict. If you are looking for some practical steps on approach differing conflict situations, or some higher level struggles, Episode 11 of the Restore Ministries Australia Podcast focuses on some practical strategies for varying conflict scenarios.

This is a guest post by Jess Fernance.